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" My lifelong dream is for every girl to unleash their wounds, heal their scars and to turn their lives and bodies into inner passion & unlimited possibility"- Catie

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

What is your decision

Searching through old notebooks today, I found something I started to write back in 2006.  6 years later I feel as if it’s time to get it out there.
Yep, it is true when they say that the universe works in mysterious ways, and things will come when it is time.  After ending another 2 year relationship (that seemed to always be when I decided to run) I went to stay with my brother for a while. I got really sick and just wanted to give up. On everything. I left my boyfriend, I had no job, I was living in a hell whole of a town and my mom hated me at the time. I had never felt so alone in my entire life. I asked my brother for a loan for 25.00 to buy some business cards and he said I needed to get to work and buy them myself.  I just needed a start. Someone to help me get back on my feet and get a life.  Every answer was a big fat NO.
I laid there sick for weeks, and wrote and wrote and prayed and prayed. I begged GOD to please show me a sign on what step to take next. I BEGGED. But guess what, there were no signs; I was getting no help so guess what?  I called my ex boyfriend and asked to move back in. To me I really didn’t have much choice at this time. It isn’t that I didn’t want to work. It was such a small town, no jobs and I was determined to start my own company. Hey, at least he would help me get some business cards and at least feed me while I was in the process of trying to find myself and figure out my life. Cheating on me in the meantime, as always, but at this point I didn’t even care.
This is where this post comes in.
The only one responsible for you… is you… No one is going to make decisions for you- unless you let them. And guess what, if these people in your life are trying to make decisions for you, then I can guarantee these decisions are going to be the wrong ones. Why?  Because who truly knows you? If you don’t know yourself well enough, to make a choice, to make a decision, then what the hell does anyone else know about you?  Not a damn thing.  It’s impossible.
Your spirit, your heart knows you. The only choice you have is to listen to it.  It will guide you.  Not an outside source.  Not a parent, a girl/boyfriend, not a co-worker, fellow student, no one.  Advice is great, sure… But when it comes down to designing your life. Living your life, living your purpose, the only choice is yours.
I love my mom more than anything, I truly do.  But still to this day she thinks she knows me so well. Why?  Of course it is because repeated patterns and mistakes that I have made in my life, but the secret is:  she doesn’t have a clue who I am.  Just until a couple of years ago, I had no idea who I was.  What I wanted out of life.. Out of myself, out of my children – anyone.  I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. But that was other people’s opinions drowning my mind.  It was the abuse I was doing to myself clouding my every ounce of any integrity I had left. I was listening to everyone but me. My spirit.
The hardest lesson I had to learn was that the universe does want you to be happy. To live a healthy happy life. The universe wants you to succeed and surround yourself with a community of loving friends and family. The universe’s dream for you is to be truly authentic, love unconditionally and give your gift to the world. But at the same time your higher power will keep letting you fall and fail over and over again until you start to listen.  You can’t numb yourself with addictions. You cannot numb yourself with men or women. You cannot numb yourself with self-pity… The higher power doesn’t feel sorry for you my sweetheart. Just like when you were a child and you continually kept doing same things over and over again that you knew were not right and would hurt you.  After a while, your parents probably told you “you will learn eventually, I don’t feel sorry for you anymore” am I right?
Just like our parents the universe wants the best for us. It wishes for us to shine our light, live our best life.
So it is up to you to decide when you are going to start living it~ the right way.
Self pity is one of the worse things you can do to yourself. Forget about what people have said and done to you.  Well, at least forgive.  Because trust me, listen to a person who held so much unforgiveness in her heart, that after years and years, even my OWN heart abandoned me.
You are only hurting yourself. You are only denying yourself of the most wonderful life.  Stop the blame. Stop the hate and have a little talk with your heart.  It will be the sweetest hug you have ever felt.