Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I am celebrating my 45th birthdday on thursday. Well, not really celebrating, I have to work, and prabubly will just come home and write. Or watch Tv. No, I will most likely be doing homework.
Anyhoo. I stopped even acknowledging my birthday after i turned like 30 or something. I guess just always wanting to bury the fact, that I was getting older, and basically doing nothing with my life! I was failing as a parent, which is the worse feeling any mom could feel.
Guess what? Not this year. This year, I am going to celebrate like I have never before.
WITHIN myself. It has been a long hard road, full of loss, loving and learning. 3 things that i believe every soul should feel. For many years, I not only lost family members, friends, etc.... I lost myself. Well, cant really say that either, for the fact that I dont even know if i ever belonged to myself. - to lose.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Ya know, We never know what the day will bring when we wake up. The universe always seems to surprise me. After I went on an interview today, to do some more freelance makeup artistry ( which I haven't done in.. ummm... a while) need the funds. Starting a new business, the money doesn't come easy.
I checked my email. I had a young girl email me about some personal things. I picked up the cell, dialed her number, and we talked for 2 hours. ( thank goodness she has at&t)
She was told about me, thru one of her girlfriends, that I helped out about a year ago. She told her, that I saved her life. Made me feel sooooooooooo special. She said to me " Please save mine" I just wanted to hang up the phone, go grab her, give her hugs, and tell her I was there for her.
I am feeling tickles and hugs and love all over my body right now. I was going to write our whole conversation, but I will keep it to the minimum.
She is made fun of at school, because she is overweight. She has acne, she lives in a very poor neighborhood and her parents are both alcoholics and drug addicts. She went to live with her aunt for about 3 months, she passed away.
So now, back at home, she is miserable, scared to death and suicidal. She tried calling the hotlines, and guess what? No answer. How is that for those suicidal hotlines? Anyhoo, she found out that her Best friend has been talking behind her back, etc... She is like... I wanna die. She said that she was so sick and tired of the outside world, how they judged, looked at her and her family. She would never have anything, because of her grades, parents. etc....
Ya know what happened then? A great big giant beam of a rainbow light came crashing thru ME. I thought I was going to pass out. Did I not feel so ashamed before? So lost? Yes, many times. But what that light was trying to tell me is.... Caitlin... In many ways, you still do feel that way. Not ashamed of my parents, but ashamed of who I was/ who I am.
Can you say, WAKE UP CALL... I have been counseling/coaching others for a while now. Sure I am really good at talking others thru heartbreak and pain... But my own?
I always wanted to "save the world" The abused women and children. AND men. I wanted to let them know that it was ok to go. To get out, to be free. But what I have learned, in the past few months, I am not here to save the world. I am here to "serve the world".
I have the gift of helping others, and I will never give that up. Makes me feel great... But When I realized, I need to keep helping ME, I kind of panicked. No, I am lying, I did panic. My inner "boogyman" was yelling and screaming at me, cussing at me, etc... He has been hiding for a while. Maybe he went on a vacation or something, but let me tell ya , he is back and roaring. LOUD.
See. I refuse to live by any rules. I refuse to listen to politicians, preachers, priests, my parents, bosses, etc... ( the preacher and priests deal is going to be in another post )
I decided a long time ago that I didn't need to live by anyone Else's rules, policy's whatever. Society has done all of this to people. BE this, Do that. You should or shouldn't do THIS OR THAT. Ya know what? That is what is wrong with the teenagers I work with. Flippin Society....
So, what do I listen to? Who do I obey? My inner self. My inner being. Not my inner boogyman, although he tries a lot... But my inner goddess. Divine, Higher self, whatever you wanna call it.
I am 44 years old and guess what? No one has ever showed me the real deal. The true love, the anything.. Ya know why? Because I didn't even know what any of it was. I have had not a single clue, who I was, why I was meant to be here, NOTTA.... Where did I came from?
Trust your inner light. Listen to it. Don't look to the outside world for acceptance. For advice on how you should look, what you should wear, etc... Hell, dress the way you want. Wear your hair the way you want. F*** everybody. Seriously. Who are you? Just be YOU... Because no one else will ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. FROM YOUR TRUE BEING. You will not hear the truth, with all the busy-ness going on around you. Dig deep. Listen to your inner "goddess" Trust her.
Involve into the women you are. You deserve to be. No-one else is going to do it for you.. Don't worry about "fitting in" What exactly is that anyway? Fit into what? Someone else's perception on how things "should be" BLA BLA BLA... What the HELL ever. Don't fall for that for a second.....
always speak the truth, not to just others, but especially to yourself, even when it feels like a lie.
I hope you can really dig in and find your truth. That's what being in this universe is all about. Your wisdom, passion and purpose. Never let anyone rob you of any of it.